MESSY LIFE

Mall Life

This article, "The Couple who lived in a mall,"  by Lisa Selin Davis in Salon.com tells the story of  Michael Townsend and Adriana's Yoto's adventure of creating a secret apartment in the Providence Place Mall.

Yoto's and Townsend's motivation was part academic, part research, part performance art. Yoto wrote a thesis on comparing malls to British colonies and Towsend's interest came from a social experiment he devised with his friends from their art collective.

While the study of malls and their place in society is a fascinating topic, what Yoto and Townsend  ultimately achieved was a brilliant marketing plan. They recognized the impact of short- term and long- term gains. They invested in their experiment and reported it on their blog over the years and when "caught" already had a big following. They were able to get media coverage, a book deal, an art exhibit,  and a pending reality show out of their efforts.

I would say that these two are savy consumers of what the public really buys.

Stop, Relax, & Think

A vacation can remind you of how tense and overly extended you have been; especially if your travels included some down time.

Stress, anxiety, or depression, can lead to impulsive decisions that you might regret later."Stop, Relax, and Think" is a popular board game designed to teach children with impulse challenges how to slow down. However, the phrase and concept can be adapted for adults whenever they find themselves becoming reactionary. 

When you notice yourself becoming tense:

1. STOP! Freeze like the freeze dance or freeze tag games you played as a kid.
2. RELAX! Breathe, count to 10 ,or think of a calming scene.
3. THINK! Now that you have slowed down, what do you want to say or do in this situation?

Practicing those three little words and actions can help carry the restorative powers of a vacation with you.

 

On Vacation - see you on the 12th

The Birds

   I love spring; the birds, the flowers, the potential for new beginnings. These are      Lesser Finches in this photo,but for a truly amazing nature moment,check out this site to see a Peregrine Falcon nest.

I showed this nest last year  to a little boy at a school I was consulting at and he went running into the hallway yelling at anyone who passed by , "Come in here quick . There 's nature here." 

   

Spring has sprung.

Sometimes in life we are;  "fair to partly cloudy."   The water heater breaks, the car breaks down, we get the flu and it all happens in the same week. We have little patience for all of this. In fact, the thought of being cheery can be downright nauseating.

But not unlike the seasons, it passes. There is room for spring if we want to let it in.  

What do women want?

I observed men in various stages of panic trying to shop for Valentine's day yesterday.  Because it was the night before the "big event", the card selection was pretty scarce,the candy  was  looking a little picked over, and  desperation was at an all time high.

I asked my resident male expert why men wait until the last minute to buy something and then freak out when nothing is available? Are they ambivalent about the relationship? Do they feel forced? Are they afraid to be compared to what other men are doing? Are they afraid there will be tears and disappointment?  Is it a mother thing?

His answer was pretty straight forward. Women say something like, "Just get me a little something." Or,
"It doesn't matter what you get me." He has learned what women are really saying is, " I don't want to have to tell you what to get me. I want you to have been paying attention to what I like."

He said the trouble is that men are not paying attention to what she wants and they know that. So, they panic and procrastinate.

I think he is right. In general, women have a hard time asking for what they want and need. And when it comes to presents and holidays, they do want to be surprised , but in a very specific way that is unique to them and the relationship.   

It seems there is pressure on everyone and a lot of room for error. Like most "messy life" situations, it can be complicated. There are no simple solutions to avoid disappointment and bad feelings. I do think that rather than waiting for a crisis to occur, we can take these opportunities to begin to discuss what we need and want from our partners. Not just on Valentine's day, but everyday.

Ultimately, I think most people (men and women) are looking for presence not presents.

Visual Cues

 

 

Our  negative thought patterns can spiral into stories of epic proportion; leaving us feeling  scared, angry, and worried.  For some, slowing down and doing a little reality check can be helpful. You can ask yourself,"is this story I'm telling myself really true or is it a fear I have?"  We can also replace negative thoughts with more positive and hopeful thoughts.

Some people are visual learners. You may want to post affirmations or put a favorite object somewhere to remind you of what you would like to think instead.

If you find your thoughts go on endlessly leading you from one  catastrophe to another. You can limit this by timing yourself. Something like this hour glass could be a playful reminder. When those black feelings and thoughts  run out it's time to move on. You may find that when you concentrate on consciously feeling negative, it becomes boring and you stop sooner. Source:

 

 

Let it snow.... not a creature was stirring...

Sometimes we don't want to think. Adult's need the equivalent of a child's picture book; big images with little text. I think looking at photos comes pretty close.

Here are some winter scenes.

 

Pet Therapy 2

When I was working at an elementary school as a child therapist, I brought in the photo of my cats that appears in the previous post. I stuck in on the bulletin  board without much thought.   The kids  that came to see me often commented on the photo and my cats quickly became the playroom mascot. This grew into adding additional photos  from an SPCA calendar of cats and dogs.

Most of the children I saw inquired regularly about my cats and requested stories of their latest antics. They then began assigning feelings and stories to the other photos, with just a minimal suggestion from me,such as "what do you think that dog is feeling today?"   I often use story books to help children externalize and identify  their feelings. It is more comfortable for young children than sitting them in a chair and asking "how are you feeling?"  Children enjoy stories and it takes advantage of their natural curiosity and creativity.    By relating with the characters, children begin to reveal their own emotions.

The lives they created for  the cats and dogs on the wall, became extensions of their own lives. The dog was sad because mom moved away. The cats were in trouble because they wouldn't sit still. The cat is always tired. The cat is lazy. ( prompted by photo above)

Parents can use this same method to gain better understanding of how their child may be feeling about certain issues. Whether it is a picture book or photos, allow the child to assign feelings and tell a story  about what they see. This can help children work through their own issues. By  creating a story about someone or something else, they can safely explore feelings and coping strategies for themselves.

 
 

Pet therapy

My two cats are constant sources of amusement and comfort. Most people feel that way about their pets. There is something to be said for the unconditional love they provide. We crave that all out affection, but it is somewhat unrealistic to expect it from humans. Try as we might we are not as forgiving as our pets. We remember that we are disappointed, angry, hurt.  We hold on to our grudges and sometimes we withhold our  love until they shape up.

It wouldn't hurt any of us to practice a little forgiveness; to learn something from our four legged family members who seem to regularly forget our failings. As I saw on a bumper sticker the other day, "Help me to be the person my dog thinks I am."