MESSY LIFE

Reporting that your children are absent from school

(AP Photo/Jae C. Hong)

I don't know if Malia and Sasha have perfect school attendance, but it would be fun to see the note their parents  send to their principal.

" Please excuse Malia and Sasha from school, their father was elected to become the next President of the United States."

Stop, Relax, & Think

A vacation can remind you of how tense and overly extended you have been; especially if your travels included some down time.

Stress, anxiety, or depression, can lead to impulsive decisions that you might regret later."Stop, Relax, and Think" is a popular board game designed to teach children with impulse challenges how to slow down. However, the phrase and concept can be adapted for adults whenever they find themselves becoming reactionary. 

When you notice yourself becoming tense:

1. STOP! Freeze like the freeze dance or freeze tag games you played as a kid.
2. RELAX! Breathe, count to 10 ,or think of a calming scene.
3. THINK! Now that you have slowed down, what do you want to say or do in this situation?

Practicing those three little words and actions can help carry the restorative powers of a vacation with you.

 

The power of "and" - a great little communication tool

My client's often complain about their children, business associates, partners or whomever they are having issues with at the time; as uncooperative. There may be any number of challenges in those relationships.  However, I find it useful to start by exploring their communication style.

It is surprising how often people  use the word "but" in their interactions.  " I like that you cleaned your room,but next time..., " " Yes, you bought me flowers, but I always(always- another communication stopper) have to..." " It was a good presentation but you needed to..." They wanted cooperation and that little "B word"  tended to create just the opposite.

Webster's defines the word "but" as meaning, "except, or on the contrary." People hear that word and typically feel defensive. They don't hear the information before or after. They focus on the "but" and know that means their in trouble.

When we hear the word "and", we are indicating that we want a different exchange.The word "and" implies that we want connection.

Next time you are in conflict you might try approaching it from a more cooperative stance.  Using the word "and" allows you to acknowledge the other person's contribution before adding a corrective to the conversation.



 

What you should know about "guilt," "shame," and "should"

I'm giving a talk to a mother's group this Thursday night. So to prepare for it , I was thinking about what common themes come up for my "mom" clients.  No matter what the initial presenting issue,  some hybrid of "guilt," "shame,"  and "should"  comes up.  Often we need to focus on that before anything else can be resolved.

When I Googled each word I came up with:

• Guilt- 27,200,000 entries
• Shame- 78,7000,000 entries
• Should- 1,630,000 entries

I am sure they are adding more entries as I post this. Clearly this is a struggle for many, and left unexamined , can lead to emotional pain and paralysis. 

Although guilt, shame, and should are each powerful in and of themselves,  I find that the preferred  order of negative self talk starts with a "should." "I should be more patient with my child." " I should go back to work."  " I should stay home." " I should feed my child only...."  " I should be able to ...." 

Then whatever decision was formed around the should becomes anxiety producing and  leads the person to feel guilt. Arguing with the guilty feelings that arise from operating under, what feminist psychoanalyst Karen Horney, called the  'tyranny of the should,"  can lead a person to experience shame.

Of course it doesn't always get played out in that order. However, examining how these three little words influence your decision making, might be the first step in breaking free of their power.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Right

This is an interesting article from the NY Times about specialized on-line dating services. According to this article by J. Courtney Sullivan, "... there are now 1,378 United States dating sites... 44% of those sites are niche sites." 

It makes sense that people want to date people with common interests, or want to be with someone from similar ethnic, or religious backgrounds.  As much as people state that they are  open to differences, it is understandably more comfortable to bond around their similarities. In the uncertain world of dating, starting with the something in common provides something safe to talk about.

"Opposites attract" can be  nice in theory, but  knowing that you share farming, or a love of Ayn Rand writings can make dating less scary.

The Human Condition?

There is no shortage of reality TV shows out there for our viewing pleasure. Most shows involve a competition, an unusual living arrangement, or feature a  70’s celebrity trying to revive his or her career; to name just a few plot lines.  You've probably heard about these programs and may have even watched a couple of them.

Although the writers strike was blamed for the increase in "reality programming,"  this genre was well on its way to filling the airwaves. Audiences love to watch them. It satisfies any voyeuristic or vicarious thrills for the viewer, and probably at the most primal level; it satisfies a need to feel  superior. In a world that is unpredictable and often uncontrollable, this can be comforting. A viewer can think, " At least I am not like.... I would never do what they did."

Ohio State University psychologist Steven Reiss designed a reality viewing study using sensitivity theory which organizes human motives into 16 basic desires with uses and gratification theory to explain our enjoyment of reality shows.

His use of sensitivity theory states that every time a desire is realized we experience a related joy. Every individual prioritizes these desires into our own unique “Desire Profiles” and gratification theory suggests that we select our programs to fulfill those desires.

Reiss's data showed that the largest significant motive for watching reality television was social status, which leads to the joy of self-importance. Only slightly less strong was the need for vengeance, which leads to vindication. "Some people may watch reality TV partially because they enjoy feeling superior to the people being portrayed," Reiss said. "People with a strong need for vengeance have the potential to enjoy watching people being humiliated." (www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/getArticle.cfm?id=1742)

MTV’s Parental Control,  could easily satisfy both "superiority and vengeance."  Here is part of their program description.

"Watch out, kids! Thanks to Parental Control, mom and dad finally have a chance to do something about that "poor excuse" for a significant other that you adore! …

On each episode of Parental Control, one set of parents sends their pride and joy on two handpicked blind dates. Their hope? That one of the dates will catch their offspring's eye, thus leading them to dump their current companion. The twist? Mom and dad will be watching every minute of each date while sitting side by side with their child's current partner. Yup, they'll all be on the couch like one big, uncomfortable family..."

I don't think "superior" is the word I would use to describe how I felt  after viewing this show; terrified is more like it.  The parents are exploiting their relationship with their child for entertainment purposes, and I would assume also for financial gain.   In order to make "good television," parents, their child , and their child's partner, were shown yelling, insulting, and (at times,) throwing things at one another.

Yes, it's a show and no one is forced to watch it. It is even possible that the "teens" are really of legal age and signed up for the show themselves. It may even be partially scripted. Regardless, of whether or not it is "real," it gives the appearance  of encouraging parents to profit from creating poor boundaries and drama within their families. This is one reality competition program where no one wins.

So much to do, so little time

I am working on several projects at the moment. I find that life balance can be somewhat of a challenge when you have deadlines and are in business development mode. But, I have to say I am in awe of the internet ,blogging ,and social communities.

I was going to write today's post and noticed a comment on my past post  about "repetition compulsion", from someone writing on the same topic. I went to his site read the article, read the comments, made my own comment...well you know the rest.

Although I allowed myself to be sidetracked, it is a wonderful reminder of how knowledge really is power. Through this internet building of social communities, we have more tools to deal with our messy lives and more people to share it with.

AGE-GAPPED

In Tuesday's blog I admitted my over 40 ( well over 40) status.  I was talking about the social media  site TeeBeeDee which targets my age group. I had the startling realization that  I really am getting older when I am highly confused about a bus stop shelter sign. 

On the kiosk I see what looks to me like a hand made butcher paper and black paint sign that says, "You do look fat in those jeans, Sarah Marshall"   I start thinking relational aggression from a jealous girlfriend?  Does Sarah live in the apartment building behind the bus stop? Is Sarah being stalked?

I get concerned when I drive by the next day and notice that at the bottom of the poster is printed ihateyousarahmarshall.com. I know there are " I hate... (insert a celebrity name) type web-sites already in existence,but who is Sarah Marshall and why is she hated?  I drive down another street the next day and notice a white billboard with, " I hate you Sarah Marshall" painted on it in black letters.

I begin to get suspicious. Clearly the bus stop kiosk sign is only made to look like it was hand done. I start thinking  I am not the targeted demographic. Someone younger and cooler must know who Sarah Marshall is and what this is a promotion for. When I go to the site, it looks like other "I hate you type blogs." Peter Bretter, Sarah's ex-boyfriend has created a whole blog about his breakup. It looks somewhat legit.  Peter Bretter ( 26 year old composer) might be doing this with Sarah Marshall (actress) as a way to capitalize  on the self promoting celebrity reality show craze.

I'm partially right .  I found an explanation here on Mahalo. ( I have no idea about this site either but it came up complements of a Google search, and I am grateful for the explanation) "I hate Sarah Marshall" is a movie and it's being promoted through a fake blog written by the character,Peter.

I don't know what it says about our society.  I know that many people have fantasied about taking out an ad trashing the person who dumped them, so is this really repugnant or does this give people a vicarious thrill? Does it perpetuate violence and hatred?  Is is it clever? Is it inspired by, or a rip off, of some of the promotions for  "Fake Steve Jobs" or " The Starter Wife?"

It is one of those messy life type things. And although I had to research it and was fooled, I am glad that there is no Sarah Marshall in peril and hope that there will be no "copy cat" billboards and blogs for the real Sarah Marshall's out there.

Social Media - For us "Old Folks"

I was riding to work the other morning and heard a radio show on NPR about a social media site called, "TeeBeeDee."   It is geared for the over 40 crowd.  Topics ranged from God to weight loss. Like most social media sites it is organized by groups sharing common interests or needs. There are also  a full range of articles as well.

Kids have used such sites as Facebook, to stay connected to others. We over 40's, having conquered e-mail and cell phones, now have an opportunity to explore a social media community that serves the interests of our age group. I think that sharing ideas and building community on-line helps individuals make their world bigger. Feeling isolated is something that many people experience regardless of  their age. Joining something like TeeBeeDee can be a first step to eventually taking bigger risks in other areas of one's life.

Regardless if you join or not, if you are a Baby Boomer, it is nice to bask for a moment in being a "targeted demographic" by someone.

A Case for "Settling"

I just read the article titled, "Marry Him!" by Lori Gottlieb in the Atlantic Monthly. 
Here's an excerpt from her article advising 30- and 40-something single women to caste their sites lower when  picking a mate: "My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go." She went on to say , "...every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried... if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying."

Gottlieb is a single mother who did not settle. When "Mr. Right" did not appear she chose to have a child using a sperm donor. Now faced with being a 40 year old single mother, with no husband prospects,  she wished she would have married "Mr. Good Enough" when she had a chance.

Her advice infuriated other female writers. Sarah Hepola in Salon.com, said "... it frankly pisses me off when a stranger tells me I'm in denial about the shame of being single. And telling me not to demand passion or intense connection? Sorry. I won't settle for that." 

Megan Daum in the Los Angeles Times said, "... baby hunger has become such a consumer force in this country that some (not all, but some) women want a baby in the same way they want a Louis Vuitton bag, because they've been told to want one."  And concluded with, "I can't help but wonder if what's missing from the prototypical unhappy single woman's life isn't a man or a baby but an imagination. There are infinite ways to define a fulfilling life."

Lesley M.M. Blume in the Huffingtonpost.com Gottlieb offered, " Gottlieb does not need a husband.  She needs hired help."

Some of Gottlieb's quips are a bit harsh, such as her observation that "Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business." She states that she, "...means this in a good way." But the article doesn't exactly have a positive tone.

It is understandable that there are strong reactions to her beliefs. I think a possibly more productive discussion would be to ask how can both men and women have a more realistic expectation of marriage, rather than either party feeling like they are "settling." Divorce rates are high and the emotional residue is great for both adults and children.  "Settling" doesn't seem like a great way to ensure marital success.

There are stressors in any of the scenarios Gottlieb covered.  Women that are "stay at home" moms run the risk of being financially dependent on their spouse. Husbands are not a secure financial plan; death,  divorce, or disability, make women vulnerable. Parents that are married with children and both working outside the home have pressures inherent with holding down two full time jobs; home and work. Single mothers either by choice, or by circumstances have their own set of challenges.

No one is immune from difficulties. People make choices and those choices have  pros and cons and consequences. What point that I'd like Gottlieb to make and maybe it is her underlying theme and I missed it, is that most of us (men and women) are relational beings.   People  may require different levels of intimacy. But it would be nice ,if those who want a relationship, no matter how unorthodox, didn't  have to apologize for it.