MESSY LIFE

Back to School

 I laugh every time I see this old Staples “Back to School” commercial.  First off, you have to like a company that depicts a dad shopping with his kids and secondly, watching him dance gleefully down the isles picking out school supplies, while the kids stare blankly, is something many parents may have felt at this time of year.

Although it is humorous in a commercial, the in-store meltdowns I've  witnessed lately don’t look like all that much fun.

Parents ultimately want to send their children off to school on the first day excited and happy with anticipation; not stressed out before they start.

Some helpful tips:

• To avoid hurt feelings, don’t show too much excitement about them going back to school.
• Do show great enthusiasm for the coming year. Talk up school.
• Plan your shopping trip when you have plenty of time. Make it a special day rather than a chore.
• Get the house, back to school routines, and supplies in order, before school starts.
• Rehearse and prepare your child. Be clear about expectations. Avoid the: “We are not going to have another year like last year….,” lectures. 

I'm on a roll...more on weight

 I mentioned awhile back that I went to Blogher. At the conference I was standing at the elevator and this warm and friendly woman started talking to me. She is Janice Taylor artist, author, and weight-loss coach (to name a few of her many talents.)
She is the author of,  Our Lady of Weight Loss: Miraculous and Motivational Musings from the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat Removal and her latest book, All is Forgiven, Move On.

I think that after discussing bodily image and function on my last post, it seems fitting to follow up with an introduction to Janice's approach to weight loss. Most people know that diets don't work. It is not the food, but our attitude and relationship with it that gets us into trouble. Janice fully understands this and has a playful and humorous approach to weight loss. In fact, Janice has "101 Fat Burning Steps"  to manage negative self talk and behaviors, and support you on "Your Journey to Sveltesville."

Equally helpful and supportive are her KICK IN THE TUSH CLUB groups. It helps to have other like minded individuals to share your journey with.

Her approach is guilt free and as her autograph in my copy of All is Forgiven says, " Spread the word not the icing."

 

Menopause Tummy and Other Afflictions

I spent yesterday celebrating my girlfriend's birthday.  Our conversation these days focuses on body changes; ours and every other woman in her 50's we know. We intend to talk about other things, but the conversation invariably arrives at and stays stuck on everyones health issues. We hate to sound cranky and we swore we never would sound like those other "old people" complaining about their body parts, but there we go. The rant begins: our tummy is bigger, things are lower,we can't see or hear that well anymore, we don't want to have the colonoscopy  because so and so just got diagnosed and we are just not ready for being next, and....

It is not as if we feel we are exempt from the aging process or should be, but rather we continually find ourselves surprised by what our body is doing or refusing to do. It does not feel as if this has been gradual. It feels as though one day we tried to get up in the morning and someone substituted our body for an older less healthy model.  We clearly took our bodies for granted and now they are getting even.

Unfortunately by our age, we have now had parts of ourselves monitored, removed, or replaced. Illness and injury have become a concern and trips to the doctor seem more anxiety provoking now that we and those we love, have been treated for things.

Before I call someone, I have to stop and think what ailment I am inquiring about because I have made some mistakes in the past. No one wants to be asked about their knee when it was their torn Achilles; especially when they fear their knee is next.

Most of us understand that we are more than our afflictions, but reaching out to others and becoming  more informed can help remind us of that. 

For women going through menopause: a great site is menopausetheblog.com    Today's post has an article on Belly fat with a great accompanying tummy photo.  Another menopause site I like and have used regularly, is Dr. Susan Love. She writes about menopause and breast cancer.

 

Stop, Relax, & Think

A vacation can remind you of how tense and overly extended you have been; especially if your travels included some down time.

Stress, anxiety, or depression, can lead to impulsive decisions that you might regret later."Stop, Relax, and Think" is a popular board game designed to teach children with impulse challenges how to slow down. However, the phrase and concept can be adapted for adults whenever they find themselves becoming reactionary. 

When you notice yourself becoming tense:

1. STOP! Freeze like the freeze dance or freeze tag games you played as a kid.
2. RELAX! Breathe, count to 10 ,or think of a calming scene.
3. THINK! Now that you have slowed down, what do you want to say or do in this situation?

Practicing those three little words and actions can help carry the restorative powers of a vacation with you.

 

Midlife & Memory

One day we look into the mirror and we see our mother looking back. I've always looked like my mother, so this has not been such a shock over the years. But now I find myself saying and doing the same thing I remembering her doing when she was my age and that has been...well... unsettling.

When my mom was in her 50's she use to look at me in the middle of a conversation about a TV show or a movie ( safe topics for mothers and teens back then) and she'd say, "you know the guy who was in the movie with what's her name. The one who was in the TV show about the two women who work at the factory..."

The description of the associations took longer than the point she was trying to make. She could remember the plot detail, but not the character's or actor's name. Sometimes she would run through my siblings names before landing on mine, or she would forget the name of a common thing, or even where she put that common whatchamacallit thingy doodad.

I find that most of my conversations begin  the same lately, with forgotten names of people, places, or things. Remembering facts ( like 2 + 2 =4 ) is called semantic memory and mine is slipping.

Episodic memory is our personal history. The memories that are unique to us.Who we met with yesterday, what we talked about, and what we ate for lunch. The combination of semantic (factual) with episodic (personal) is referred to as declarative memory. 

Procedural memory is what we do regularly and automatically. How to feed ourselves, tie our shoes, and so forth. So far so good on that one, although occasionally my food misses my mouth and lands on my shirt. This is of course happens only when I have on nice clothes. So, it could be more related to anxiety than memory.

As we age we begin to loose some of our semantic and episodic memories. It is not that important to our survival to remember all the details of an encounter we had at lunch yesterday, but it is important to remember what lunch is and how to eat it.

I had no idea when I was a kid why my mother could not remember what I told her. I found playing twenty questions and this new verbal charades ("you know, it's yellow and looks like a lemon...") was annoying and required talking to her more than was allowed in my teen handbook.

Now here I am, these oh so many decades, later struggling to remember where I put that file I had in my hand two seconds ago and the name of the actor who appeared in the movie about fighting ( Fight Club) and he's married to the woman with all the kids ( Angelina Jolie) and they just had twins and he was in that other movie with the guy who was in ER( George Clooney) and...

Losing our memory is a natural process and doesn't mean we have, or are going to get Alzheimer's. However, it is disconcerting to notice that things that rolled easily off our tongue, now get stuck somewhere between our brain and our throat.

There is a wonderful book by New York Times writer, Martha Weinman Lear called, "Where did I Leave My Glasses?" Brain functioning and memory are fascinating reading, but it can be very complicated without prior knowledge of the topic. Lear manages to explain how our memory works from a variety of perspectives without becoming overly technical. It is a fun read and very normalizing and comforting if you feel that you might be loosing too many of your basic brain cells.

In case you were wondering who I was referring to, two paragraphs above; the actor in Fight Club was, Brad Pitt.

Life is indeed messy

It has been since the beginning of June since I last posted because my life got messy, There are times when life feels fragile and there is not enough time to do the things we have to do, let alone the things we want to do.

In my private practice, I specialize in families living with life threatening illness and grief. I have worked in both pediatric and adult hospice and have been a consultant or a clinical supervisor for various clinics advising on these issues.  And no matter how many people I've counseled, or how much I allegedly know about the process, my knowledge  goes temporarily out the window every time it happens in my own family and to the people I love. 

I know of course this is to be expected. There are no short cuts with grief and fear. We all have to hunker down and ride it out and go where it takes us; through the moments of grace and hope as well as those lost dark times when nothing makes sense. Sometimes having knowledge makes me worry more. I know too many "what if " scenarios.

When I turn off the "what if" button something else happens. I have space for times when I notice something truly surprising and amazing that lifts me or inspires me. I like those moments. They are there for all of us even when we forget. And when we let them in, things get tidy and we can rest.

The latest on sarcasm

Not that I'm  particularly interested in this topic or anything, but I've noticed that the Memory and Aging Center at UCSF  seems to be cited everywhere I turn. Of course I am in the demographic that worries about these sort of things. The center studies Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia.  

This was one of their studies recently reported in the NY Times. The study revealed what part of the brain detects the social and behavioral cues necessary to recognize sarcasm. More and more brain researchers are finding that certain cognitive tasks are not as clearly isolated to either the left and right hemispheres, as previously thought. In this case, it was not the left part of the brain that loss functioning  ( the area that recognizes language and social cues)  it was the right part of the brain ( the area responsible for assigning visual context) that did not respond.

Adults with dementia or other brain disorders have lost their ability to read social cues, or understand the subtlety of sarcasm and irony. And young children have similar difficulties because their brains have not fully developed those centers yet.  Both populations take things literally and concretely. The more we understand  overall brain development, the better we can create treatment modalities for different populations that are experiencing cognitive impairments.

The power of "and" - a great little communication tool

My client's often complain about their children, business associates, partners or whomever they are having issues with at the time; as uncooperative. There may be any number of challenges in those relationships.  However, I find it useful to start by exploring their communication style.

It is surprising how often people  use the word "but" in their interactions.  " I like that you cleaned your room,but next time..., " " Yes, you bought me flowers, but I always(always- another communication stopper) have to..." " It was a good presentation but you needed to..." They wanted cooperation and that little "B word"  tended to create just the opposite.

Webster's defines the word "but" as meaning, "except, or on the contrary." People hear that word and typically feel defensive. They don't hear the information before or after. They focus on the "but" and know that means their in trouble.

When we hear the word "and", we are indicating that we want a different exchange.The word "and" implies that we want connection.

Next time you are in conflict you might try approaching it from a more cooperative stance.  Using the word "and" allows you to acknowledge the other person's contribution before adding a corrective to the conversation.



 

Inner-critic/ Inner-boss

Much of my work is guiding people to explore their inner negative critic. Your critic voice either whispers ,or in some cases, screams bad thoughts  in your head.  I liken it to a two year old toddler having a meltdown in your mind  without the benefit of adult supervision. For many people it is a constant companion and left unchallenged, can and does cause much suffering.

The critic's voice becomes as rote as brushing your teeth.  It is ever so willing to remind you of your imperfections. This voice can be present when you are trying to communicate or complete a task. It is equally comfortable at home, work, or school. 

Skellie in Anywired did this great post about how our inner voice can become a style of boss that we carry with us into our workplace. If we want to understand how our habits function in our lives, it is important to see how they both help and hurt us. I think Skellie did a great job of explaining how to work with the inner-boss's strengths and challenges.

What you should know about "guilt," "shame," and "should"

I'm giving a talk to a mother's group this Thursday night. So to prepare for it , I was thinking about what common themes come up for my "mom" clients.  No matter what the initial presenting issue,  some hybrid of "guilt," "shame,"  and "should"  comes up.  Often we need to focus on that before anything else can be resolved.

When I Googled each word I came up with:

• Guilt- 27,200,000 entries
• Shame- 78,7000,000 entries
• Should- 1,630,000 entries

I am sure they are adding more entries as I post this. Clearly this is a struggle for many, and left unexamined , can lead to emotional pain and paralysis. 

Although guilt, shame, and should are each powerful in and of themselves,  I find that the preferred  order of negative self talk starts with a "should." "I should be more patient with my child." " I should go back to work."  " I should stay home." " I should feed my child only...."  " I should be able to ...." 

Then whatever decision was formed around the should becomes anxiety producing and  leads the person to feel guilt. Arguing with the guilty feelings that arise from operating under, what feminist psychoanalyst Karen Horney, called the  'tyranny of the should,"  can lead a person to experience shame.

Of course it doesn't always get played out in that order. However, examining how these three little words influence your decision making, might be the first step in breaking free of their power.