MESSY LIFE

Menopause Tummy and Other Afflictions

I spent yesterday celebrating my girlfriend's birthday.  Our conversation these days focuses on body changes; ours and every other woman in her 50's we know. We intend to talk about other things, but the conversation invariably arrives at and stays stuck on everyones health issues. We hate to sound cranky and we swore we never would sound like those other "old people" complaining about their body parts, but there we go. The rant begins: our tummy is bigger, things are lower,we can't see or hear that well anymore, we don't want to have the colonoscopy  because so and so just got diagnosed and we are just not ready for being next, and....

It is not as if we feel we are exempt from the aging process or should be, but rather we continually find ourselves surprised by what our body is doing or refusing to do. It does not feel as if this has been gradual. It feels as though one day we tried to get up in the morning and someone substituted our body for an older less healthy model.  We clearly took our bodies for granted and now they are getting even.

Unfortunately by our age, we have now had parts of ourselves monitored, removed, or replaced. Illness and injury have become a concern and trips to the doctor seem more anxiety provoking now that we and those we love, have been treated for things.

Before I call someone, I have to stop and think what ailment I am inquiring about because I have made some mistakes in the past. No one wants to be asked about their knee when it was their torn Achilles; especially when they fear their knee is next.

Most of us understand that we are more than our afflictions, but reaching out to others and becoming  more informed can help remind us of that. 

For women going through menopause: a great site is menopausetheblog.com    Today's post has an article on Belly fat with a great accompanying tummy photo.  Another menopause site I like and have used regularly, is Dr. Susan Love. She writes about menopause and breast cancer.

 

Life is indeed messy

It has been since the beginning of June since I last posted because my life got messy, There are times when life feels fragile and there is not enough time to do the things we have to do, let alone the things we want to do.

In my private practice, I specialize in families living with life threatening illness and grief. I have worked in both pediatric and adult hospice and have been a consultant or a clinical supervisor for various clinics advising on these issues.  And no matter how many people I've counseled, or how much I allegedly know about the process, my knowledge  goes temporarily out the window every time it happens in my own family and to the people I love. 

I know of course this is to be expected. There are no short cuts with grief and fear. We all have to hunker down and ride it out and go where it takes us; through the moments of grace and hope as well as those lost dark times when nothing makes sense. Sometimes having knowledge makes me worry more. I know too many "what if " scenarios.

When I turn off the "what if" button something else happens. I have space for times when I notice something truly surprising and amazing that lifts me or inspires me. I like those moments. They are there for all of us even when we forget. And when we let them in, things get tidy and we can rest.

Surviving Loss

The devastating fires of Southern California make us remember what is truly important in our lives. Time and time again those who lost their homes say how grateful they are that their loved ones and themselves are safe, even if they no longer have their house.  In the weeks, months, and years ahead those impacted will grieve  and at times, struggle to remember that  what they lost were;   "just things."

It is important to honor that "things" do  create meaning, safety, and a sense of "home" in people's lives.  Remembering the  photo of  your child's first play, your spouses love letters to you, and your grandmother's tea set  may be painful ,but it acknowledges your life and the experiences you've had and shared.

Here are some thoughts that may be helpful at this time:

• It is alright for people to have all their feelings and to recognize that there is no one right way to grieve.
• People in the same family grieve differently. Children need to be reassured about safety and told about the new routines.   
• The practical things you need to do, insurance, mortgage arrangements, mail delivery, and so forth take time. It will not be finished in a day. Pace yourself. Make a list of time sensitive things to make sure you don't loose track of filing  deadlines. Delegate to "the friend" who wants to help, whenever you can.
• Ask for what you need.
  
• Feeling tired and like you have the flu is common.
• Create a community of support. For example, you may find that your neighbors  can be helpful in sharing both the practical and emotional impacts of the fire. Try to find ways to stay in touch to exchange information. During stressful times people may  "hear"  information differently and it can be useful to clarify  the information given by various organizations.
• Sometimes people delay grieving until after "the work"  is done.
• If your family was vulnerable before the loss, due to financial , marital ,or other stressors;   you may want to seek additional support from a trained counselor or therapist.

People will more than likely want you to "move on" before you are ready. Be patient with yourselves and others.  You may not be able to replace your treasured photos, your deceased mother's wedding ring, your daughter's tennis trophy, but you have your memories of those events. If you can, write down the memories associated with those items lost. It memorializes your experiences and creates a new home for your lost "things."
Some Resources:   The American Red Cross, FEMA, Locating Therapist's in California