MESSY LIFE

Lifelong Learning

It is never too late to learn. The back to school crunch can influence you, even if you don't have children. Do you remember the excitement of that new book bag and lunch pail?  That feeling of "a hopeful fresh start" as you put on your new outfit and fresh shiny shoes and ventured out into the next grade.

Let the change in season, from Summer to Autumn, inspire you to try something different. Take a class, start a new hobby, join a group. Be a student again.

Back to School

 I laugh every time I see this old Staples “Back to School” commercial.  First off, you have to like a company that depicts a dad shopping with his kids and secondly, watching him dance gleefully down the isles picking out school supplies, while the kids stare blankly, is something many parents may have felt at this time of year.

Although it is humorous in a commercial, the in-store meltdowns I've  witnessed lately don’t look like all that much fun.

Parents ultimately want to send their children off to school on the first day excited and happy with anticipation; not stressed out before they start.

Some helpful tips:

• To avoid hurt feelings, don’t show too much excitement about them going back to school.
• Do show great enthusiasm for the coming year. Talk up school.
• Plan your shopping trip when you have plenty of time. Make it a special day rather than a chore.
• Get the house, back to school routines, and supplies in order, before school starts.
• Rehearse and prepare your child. Be clear about expectations. Avoid the: “We are not going to have another year like last year….,” lectures. 

I'm on a roll...more on weight

 I mentioned awhile back that I went to Blogher. At the conference I was standing at the elevator and this warm and friendly woman started talking to me. She is Janice Taylor artist, author, and weight-loss coach (to name a few of her many talents.)
She is the author of,  Our Lady of Weight Loss: Miraculous and Motivational Musings from the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat Removal and her latest book, All is Forgiven, Move On.

I think that after discussing bodily image and function on my last post, it seems fitting to follow up with an introduction to Janice's approach to weight loss. Most people know that diets don't work. It is not the food, but our attitude and relationship with it that gets us into trouble. Janice fully understands this and has a playful and humorous approach to weight loss. In fact, Janice has "101 Fat Burning Steps"  to manage negative self talk and behaviors, and support you on "Your Journey to Sveltesville."

Equally helpful and supportive are her KICK IN THE TUSH CLUB groups. It helps to have other like minded individuals to share your journey with.

Her approach is guilt free and as her autograph in my copy of All is Forgiven says, " Spread the word not the icing."

 

Menopause Tummy and Other Afflictions

I spent yesterday celebrating my girlfriend's birthday.  Our conversation these days focuses on body changes; ours and every other woman in her 50's we know. We intend to talk about other things, but the conversation invariably arrives at and stays stuck on everyones health issues. We hate to sound cranky and we swore we never would sound like those other "old people" complaining about their body parts, but there we go. The rant begins: our tummy is bigger, things are lower,we can't see or hear that well anymore, we don't want to have the colonoscopy  because so and so just got diagnosed and we are just not ready for being next, and....

It is not as if we feel we are exempt from the aging process or should be, but rather we continually find ourselves surprised by what our body is doing or refusing to do. It does not feel as if this has been gradual. It feels as though one day we tried to get up in the morning and someone substituted our body for an older less healthy model.  We clearly took our bodies for granted and now they are getting even.

Unfortunately by our age, we have now had parts of ourselves monitored, removed, or replaced. Illness and injury have become a concern and trips to the doctor seem more anxiety provoking now that we and those we love, have been treated for things.

Before I call someone, I have to stop and think what ailment I am inquiring about because I have made some mistakes in the past. No one wants to be asked about their knee when it was their torn Achilles; especially when they fear their knee is next.

Most of us understand that we are more than our afflictions, but reaching out to others and becoming  more informed can help remind us of that. 

For women going through menopause: a great site is menopausetheblog.com    Today's post has an article on Belly fat with a great accompanying tummy photo.  Another menopause site I like and have used regularly, is Dr. Susan Love. She writes about menopause and breast cancer.

 

Stop, Relax, & Think

A vacation can remind you of how tense and overly extended you have been; especially if your travels included some down time.

Stress, anxiety, or depression, can lead to impulsive decisions that you might regret later."Stop, Relax, and Think" is a popular board game designed to teach children with impulse challenges how to slow down. However, the phrase and concept can be adapted for adults whenever they find themselves becoming reactionary. 

When you notice yourself becoming tense:

1. STOP! Freeze like the freeze dance or freeze tag games you played as a kid.
2. RELAX! Breathe, count to 10 ,or think of a calming scene.
3. THINK! Now that you have slowed down, what do you want to say or do in this situation?

Practicing those three little words and actions can help carry the restorative powers of a vacation with you.

 

Life is indeed messy

It has been since the beginning of June since I last posted because my life got messy, There are times when life feels fragile and there is not enough time to do the things we have to do, let alone the things we want to do.

In my private practice, I specialize in families living with life threatening illness and grief. I have worked in both pediatric and adult hospice and have been a consultant or a clinical supervisor for various clinics advising on these issues.  And no matter how many people I've counseled, or how much I allegedly know about the process, my knowledge  goes temporarily out the window every time it happens in my own family and to the people I love. 

I know of course this is to be expected. There are no short cuts with grief and fear. We all have to hunker down and ride it out and go where it takes us; through the moments of grace and hope as well as those lost dark times when nothing makes sense. Sometimes having knowledge makes me worry more. I know too many "what if " scenarios.

When I turn off the "what if" button something else happens. I have space for times when I notice something truly surprising and amazing that lifts me or inspires me. I like those moments. They are there for all of us even when we forget. And when we let them in, things get tidy and we can rest.

Inner-critic/ Inner-boss

Much of my work is guiding people to explore their inner negative critic. Your critic voice either whispers ,or in some cases, screams bad thoughts  in your head.  I liken it to a two year old toddler having a meltdown in your mind  without the benefit of adult supervision. For many people it is a constant companion and left unchallenged, can and does cause much suffering.

The critic's voice becomes as rote as brushing your teeth.  It is ever so willing to remind you of your imperfections. This voice can be present when you are trying to communicate or complete a task. It is equally comfortable at home, work, or school. 

Skellie in Anywired did this great post about how our inner voice can become a style of boss that we carry with us into our workplace. If we want to understand how our habits function in our lives, it is important to see how they both help and hurt us. I think Skellie did a great job of explaining how to work with the inner-boss's strengths and challenges.

What you should know about "guilt," "shame," and "should"

I'm giving a talk to a mother's group this Thursday night. So to prepare for it , I was thinking about what common themes come up for my "mom" clients.  No matter what the initial presenting issue,  some hybrid of "guilt," "shame,"  and "should"  comes up.  Often we need to focus on that before anything else can be resolved.

When I Googled each word I came up with:

• Guilt- 27,200,000 entries
• Shame- 78,7000,000 entries
• Should- 1,630,000 entries

I am sure they are adding more entries as I post this. Clearly this is a struggle for many, and left unexamined , can lead to emotional pain and paralysis. 

Although guilt, shame, and should are each powerful in and of themselves,  I find that the preferred  order of negative self talk starts with a "should." "I should be more patient with my child." " I should go back to work."  " I should stay home." " I should feed my child only...."  " I should be able to ...." 

Then whatever decision was formed around the should becomes anxiety producing and  leads the person to feel guilt. Arguing with the guilty feelings that arise from operating under, what feminist psychoanalyst Karen Horney, called the  'tyranny of the should,"  can lead a person to experience shame.

Of course it doesn't always get played out in that order. However, examining how these three little words influence your decision making, might be the first step in breaking free of their power.

So much to do, so little time

I am working on several projects at the moment. I find that life balance can be somewhat of a challenge when you have deadlines and are in business development mode. But, I have to say I am in awe of the internet ,blogging ,and social communities.

I was going to write today's post and noticed a comment on my past post  about "repetition compulsion", from someone writing on the same topic. I went to his site read the article, read the comments, made my own comment...well you know the rest.

Although I allowed myself to be sidetracked, it is a wonderful reminder of how knowledge really is power. Through this internet building of social communities, we have more tools to deal with our messy lives and more people to share it with.

On Oprah - the power of the internet

I first read about Oprah's new interactive web TV event on Zatz Not Funny. I am sure many authors and media personalities are following this story to see how this interactive class based on Eckhart Tolle's book, " A New Earth - Awaking To Your Life's Purpose," is received.

The NY Times, in an article last Sunday,  stated that nothing in Eckart's  message was new. The tone of the article suggested that his message is regurgitated philosophy already out there, but just not "discovered" by Oprah.

In listening to the on-line classes, Eckhart's message is very much "borrowed", from such Eastern philosophies as Buddhism and Taoism. Many of the  examples he uses to illustrate his points may be recognized by those already familiar with Eastern teachings; which suggests that "awakening" or "enlightenment" is obtained through elimination of the ego ( which Eckhart claims to have accomplished) and focus on the present moment.

Eckhart also focuses on reducing negative "self talk" and the mind or egos attachment to the constant replaying of our unhappy stories.  This  monitoring of negative thoughts and identification of negative scripts is also  a technique used by  cognitive behavioral  therapists.

Although none of his message is new, it is helpful to hear it again. Throughout time people need    hopeful messages.   Some people find comfort in traditional religious practices, others in self actualization or New Age movements.

I think what is unique about the Oprah and Eckhart experiment is the ability to take  a book and turn it into a whole media phenomenon.  Through this on-line program Eckhart's book now has a  workbook, an interactive site, a podcast  ,a discussion board, magazine, TV, and web-site tie-ins, study groups and a whole new formed social community.  Even though Oprah cited Eckhart's criticism of advertising it is this very  advertising and promotion that has given his message such exposure.

We humans have always lived in "difficult times," but through the power of Oprah.com , Skype, and Borders Books, we can find each other and hopefully gain some insight and support with our messy feelings.