MESSY LIFE

Mall Life

This article, "The Couple who lived in a mall,"  by Lisa Selin Davis in Salon.com tells the story of  Michael Townsend and Adriana's Yoto's adventure of creating a secret apartment in the Providence Place Mall.

Yoto's and Townsend's motivation was part academic, part research, part performance art. Yoto wrote a thesis on comparing malls to British colonies and Towsend's interest came from a social experiment he devised with his friends from their art collective.

While the study of malls and their place in society is a fascinating topic, what Yoto and Townsend  ultimately achieved was a brilliant marketing plan. They recognized the impact of short- term and long- term gains. They invested in their experiment and reported it on their blog over the years and when "caught" already had a big following. They were able to get media coverage, a book deal, an art exhibit,  and a pending reality show out of their efforts.

I would say that these two are savy consumers of what the public really buys.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Right

This is an interesting article from the NY Times about specialized on-line dating services. According to this article by J. Courtney Sullivan, "... there are now 1,378 United States dating sites... 44% of those sites are niche sites." 

It makes sense that people want to date people with common interests, or want to be with someone from similar ethnic, or religious backgrounds.  As much as people state that they are  open to differences, it is understandably more comfortable to bond around their similarities. In the uncertain world of dating, starting with the something in common provides something safe to talk about.

"Opposites attract" can be  nice in theory, but  knowing that you share farming, or a love of Ayn Rand writings can make dating less scary.

A Case for "Settling"

I just read the article titled, "Marry Him!" by Lori Gottlieb in the Atlantic Monthly. 
Here's an excerpt from her article advising 30- and 40-something single women to caste their sites lower when  picking a mate: "My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go." She went on to say , "...every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried... if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying."

Gottlieb is a single mother who did not settle. When "Mr. Right" did not appear she chose to have a child using a sperm donor. Now faced with being a 40 year old single mother, with no husband prospects,  she wished she would have married "Mr. Good Enough" when she had a chance.

Her advice infuriated other female writers. Sarah Hepola in Salon.com, said "... it frankly pisses me off when a stranger tells me I'm in denial about the shame of being single. And telling me not to demand passion or intense connection? Sorry. I won't settle for that." 

Megan Daum in the Los Angeles Times said, "... baby hunger has become such a consumer force in this country that some (not all, but some) women want a baby in the same way they want a Louis Vuitton bag, because they've been told to want one."  And concluded with, "I can't help but wonder if what's missing from the prototypical unhappy single woman's life isn't a man or a baby but an imagination. There are infinite ways to define a fulfilling life."

Lesley M.M. Blume in the Huffingtonpost.com Gottlieb offered, " Gottlieb does not need a husband.  She needs hired help."

Some of Gottlieb's quips are a bit harsh, such as her observation that "Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business." She states that she, "...means this in a good way." But the article doesn't exactly have a positive tone.

It is understandable that there are strong reactions to her beliefs. I think a possibly more productive discussion would be to ask how can both men and women have a more realistic expectation of marriage, rather than either party feeling like they are "settling." Divorce rates are high and the emotional residue is great for both adults and children.  "Settling" doesn't seem like a great way to ensure marital success.

There are stressors in any of the scenarios Gottlieb covered.  Women that are "stay at home" moms run the risk of being financially dependent on their spouse. Husbands are not a secure financial plan; death,  divorce, or disability, make women vulnerable. Parents that are married with children and both working outside the home have pressures inherent with holding down two full time jobs; home and work. Single mothers either by choice, or by circumstances have their own set of challenges.

No one is immune from difficulties. People make choices and those choices have  pros and cons and consequences. What point that I'd like Gottlieb to make and maybe it is her underlying theme and I missed it, is that most of us (men and women) are relational beings.   People  may require different levels of intimacy. But it would be nice ,if those who want a relationship, no matter how unorthodox, didn't  have to apologize for it. 

What do women want?

I observed men in various stages of panic trying to shop for Valentine's day yesterday.  Because it was the night before the "big event", the card selection was pretty scarce,the candy  was  looking a little picked over, and  desperation was at an all time high.

I asked my resident male expert why men wait until the last minute to buy something and then freak out when nothing is available? Are they ambivalent about the relationship? Do they feel forced? Are they afraid to be compared to what other men are doing? Are they afraid there will be tears and disappointment?  Is it a mother thing?

His answer was pretty straight forward. Women say something like, "Just get me a little something." Or,
"It doesn't matter what you get me." He has learned what women are really saying is, " I don't want to have to tell you what to get me. I want you to have been paying attention to what I like."

He said the trouble is that men are not paying attention to what she wants and they know that. So, they panic and procrastinate.

I think he is right. In general, women have a hard time asking for what they want and need. And when it comes to presents and holidays, they do want to be surprised , but in a very specific way that is unique to them and the relationship.   

It seems there is pressure on everyone and a lot of room for error. Like most "messy life" situations, it can be complicated. There are no simple solutions to avoid disappointment and bad feelings. I do think that rather than waiting for a crisis to occur, we can take these opportunities to begin to discuss what we need and want from our partners. Not just on Valentine's day, but everyday.

Ultimately, I think most people (men and women) are looking for presence not presents.

Men!

Friends are great because they help you laugh at yourself and your situations. This clip made the rounds through a group of my girlfriends all suffering from various flu bugs in their households.  This is a hilarious scene featuring British actor Nick Frost suffering from his cold.

Is this a gender stereotype?  Yes.  Is it true?  Well,  yes and no. Women often believe that men can't tolerate pain as well.   Women use their ability to endure childbirth as an example of their superiority in this area.  Pain researchers  believe that women may have a higher tolerance during times when their estrogen levels are higher (such as childbirth), but have a lower tolerance for acute pain when their estrogen levels are more cyclical.

However pain is a hard thing to study. It is highly subjective.  Most research actually  shows that men have a higher tolerance for pain.  Researchers wondered if men really had a higher tolerance, or if they tended to minimize their pain because it is more socially acceptable and fits in with a macho self image.  Trying to account for this, in the most recent pain study  both male and female subjects were paid only  if they admitted to experiencing pain. The results showed that there was really no appreciable difference between the genders. Source   

Bottom line: Laughter is still the best  medicine. Go ahead a watch the clip and enjoy it,  even if it is not totally scientifically accurate.

ONCE: the movie

It is easy to get cynical about male/female relationships, but there is a wonderful film out now on DVD that reminds us that we can also allow  them to heal us. ONCE  is a modern day musical that shows us the power of friendship and the creative spirit.  There is no sex, violence, or nudity, just great music and a whole lot of heart and soul. Check it out here  or here, and then go rent it. It'll lift your spirits.

A little explanation

I received a comment asking me to explain what I meant by; " What is the fear around letting go of the problem," in my previous post, "Repetition Compulsion." It's a good question and others might be wondering as well. Here's my answer.

Another way to word the question  might be;"How is this problem serving me?" As much as we want to change our behavior or situation, we are fearful of what change might bring. A problem might be "serving us," no matter how uncomfortable, from facing the unknown. From taking a risk. From being wrong. From failing. From succeeding.

Here are a few common examples:

• "I will keep in this relationship because I am afraid there won't be anyone else or, "He's just scared, he'll marry me someday."  These type of   beliefs  keeps someone from getting  "out there"  and seeing if there is someone that is more emotionally available.
• "I'll stay in this marriage because....."  The real fear might be:  Not wanting to be alone. Fear of giving up a lifestyle and so forth.
• " They'll grow out of it." The real fear might be: Not knowing how to help your child-powerlessness. Fear of being the reason for it, or being blamed for it.   Another might be, if there is no longer an issue with the children, the parents may have to focus on their own relationship that may be having some difficulties.
• " I can't get better." The real fear might be: If you are well people may not care about you anymore.

It is easier to keep doing the same action, or fretting over the same issues than look at the underlying fears. However, sometimes until we know what the real  issues/fears are it is hard to change.

Repetition Compulsion

I'm not a big fan of Freud.  He was the founder of psychoanalytic theory which basically states that we are ruled by unconscious thoughts and driven by sex and aggression. Although all we have to do is turn on the television and flip through a few channels to prove his point, I think human beings are more complicated than that.

However, my favorite theory of Freud's  is "repetition compulsion", or as some of us call it; "beating your head against a brick wall - over and over again."  Freud believed that repetition compulsion was thought to come from suffering from a trauma and then reenacting the trauma either through similar relationships, repetitive thoughts, or actions. Through repetition we  hope that whatever happened  will turn out differently this time.  It is the psyche's  way of trying to master the trauma.

We often hear about this in relation to battered women. They  are attracted to the same type of man and someone different feels uncomfortable to them. However, it is not just associated with trauma. Many of us have done some type of this behavior. It can be something more mundane,  like eating something we like that we know doesn't agree with us, having the same argument with our child, or partner, or parent, or whomever. We get stuck in a repetitive behavior.

Some ideas of how to break the pattern:

• Become aware of what we are trying to accomplish - knowing our issues is always a good first step.
• Is there another way to get that need met?
• What is the fear around letting go of the need for this problem?
• What is the belief we have about change?
• What do we need to think or do differently in order to have a different outcome?
• Do we need help to do this?  Who might be able to help?
• What will help us remember to behave differently? A visual cue? A saying?

The irony is  adults and children  learn and unlearn through repeated action. In order to change a pattern we need to act or think differently many times before the new  way takes hold.   So, make repetition work for you by choosing  a new  way and then practicing it. 

Tiding up the messy bits - Getting support

It's January and with it comes hopes for a brighter future. We want to clean up those messy bits of our lives, but do we really need help to do it?  Adults feel they should "get a grip." Parents worry that they will be judged if they get help for their child, or worry that they are not good parents because they don't know how to help their child.

Change can be scary, but  I think it can be less daunting if we have someone to run our thoughts by.  Friends and family may be helpful, but sometimes they have an alternative agenda. An objective party might be better able to help you explore your issue and offer structure, expertise, and new strategies.

When you are feeling vulnerable it is hard to choose what might work best for you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Licensed therapists ( ( meaning at least a Master's degree from an accredited university in a mental health program, meeting the licensing criteria for the state they practice in, passing that  states exam and keeping current with state requirements ) Therapists,psychologists, and some social workers - offer therapy. The type(s) of therapy they offer ( individual, couple,children, adolescent) depends on their training and sometimes the restrictions of their license, which again varies from state to state. The United States Office of Health and Human Services offers a descriptive guide to help you determine what might be best for you. 
• Psychiatrists - are medical doctors and therefore can prescribe medication. Some offer therapy as well.
• Coaches- Life coaches offer a wide variety of coaching services. This is an unregulated profession.(meaning there is no state regulation for education, training or licensing) Some licensed therapists are also Life Coaches. The International Coaching Federation, an organization that offers training and referrals offers  guidelines.

Those are just a few places to start. There are of course many other categories of helping professions: Lawyers, mediators, chaplains, career counselors, to name a few. I think it is easy to get discouraged with all the choices available. Regardless of what type of guidance you are seeking, it can be useful to ask trusted friends, family members, or  doctors if they have referrals for you. Referrals are a good place to start. Call the referral and ask questions about how they work, what they charge, their education, training, and experience with your issue. Ultimately it has to be a good fit. So ask lots of questions until you feel satisfied.

Most importantly don't wait. Being pro-active gives you better control. It is harder to work on things when you are in crisis. One of my favorite quotes is : "If not now,then when?"

Out with the old. In with the new.

Happy New Year!
The new year stretches before us with endless possibilities. In talking with acquaintances,clients and friends, over the holidays,  I often heard how glad people were that 2007 is over. It was a bad year they explain and they are now filled with hope for 2008. There is a lot of hype about the new year, but when we return to our everyday lives we realize that much is the same. The old saying "Where ever you go, there you are;" comes to mind.

People vow to change their relationships, partners, jobs, and so forth. "This year will be different" they claim. Sometimes there is a need to change the external in our lives ,but it has little lasting impact if our internal process remains the same. 

We may get that  new partner or job, but we find that the relationships are remarkably similar to what we just left. It may be that we continue to be attracted to what doesn't work for us ,or it may be that how we view things is more of the issue. 

If we take our old beliefs,or old coping strategies with us into our new ventures there is bound to be some disappointments. We begin to reinforce that things won't change or get better for us. It is important to spend sometime exploring how we think and feel about what we would like to have different. What changes need to occur internally to make the external more meaningful? What expectations do we have about the change- is it realistic?  It is often a balance between thinking and doing. There needs to be some time spent on both,so that 2008 won't be another year your glad to see go.