I observed men in various stages of panic trying to shop for Valentine's day yesterday. Because it was the night before the "big event", the card selection was pretty scarce,the candy was looking a little picked over, and desperation was at an all time high.
I asked my resident male expert why men wait until the last minute to buy something and then freak out when nothing is available? Are they ambivalent about the relationship? Do they feel forced? Are they afraid to be compared to what other men are doing? Are they afraid there will be tears and disappointment? Is it a mother thing?
His answer was pretty straight forward. Women say something like, "Just get me a little something." Or,
"It doesn't matter what you get me." He has learned what women are really saying is, " I don't want to have to tell you what to get me. I want you to have been paying attention to what I like."
He said the trouble is that men are not paying attention to what she wants and they know that. So, they panic and procrastinate.
I think he is right. In general, women have a hard time asking for what they want and need. And when it comes to presents and holidays, they do want to be surprised , but in a very specific way that is unique to them and the relationship.
It seems there is pressure on everyone and a lot of room for error. Like most "messy life" situations, it can be complicated. There are no simple solutions to avoid disappointment and bad feelings. I do think that rather than waiting for a crisis to occur, we can take these opportunities to begin to discuss what we need and want from our partners. Not just on Valentine's day, but everyday.
Ultimately, I think most people (men and women) are looking for presence not presents.
Comments