I received a comment asking me to explain what I meant by; " What is the fear around letting go of the problem," in my previous post, "Repetition Compulsion." It's a good question and others might be wondering as well. Here's my answer.
Another way to word the question might be;"How is this problem serving me?" As much as we want to change our behavior or situation, we are fearful of what change might bring. A problem might be "serving us," no matter how uncomfortable, from facing the unknown. From taking a risk. From being wrong. From failing. From succeeding.
Here are a few common examples:
- "I will keep in this relationship because I am afraid there won't be anyone else or, "He's just scared, he'll marry me someday." These type of beliefs keeps someone from getting "out there" and seeing if there is someone that is more emotionally available.
- "I'll stay in this marriage because....." The real fear might be: Not wanting to be alone. Fear of giving up a lifestyle and so forth.
- " They'll grow out of it." The real fear might be: Not knowing how to help your child-powerlessness. Fear of being the reason for it, or being blamed for it. Another might be, if there is no longer an issue with the children, the parents may have to focus on their own relationship that may be having some difficulties.
- " I can't get better." The real fear might be: If you are well people may not care about you anymore.
It is easier to keep doing the same action, or fretting over the same issues than look at the underlying fears. However, sometimes until we know what the real issues/fears are it is hard to change.
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