MESSY LIFE

The latest on sarcasm

Not that I'm  particularly interested in this topic or anything, but I've noticed that the Memory and Aging Center at UCSF  seems to be cited everywhere I turn. Of course I am in the demographic that worries about these sort of things. The center studies Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia.  

This was one of their studies recently reported in the NY Times. The study revealed what part of the brain detects the social and behavioral cues necessary to recognize sarcasm. More and more brain researchers are finding that certain cognitive tasks are not as clearly isolated to either the left and right hemispheres, as previously thought. In this case, it was not the left part of the brain that loss functioning  ( the area that recognizes language and social cues)  it was the right part of the brain ( the area responsible for assigning visual context) that did not respond.

Adults with dementia or other brain disorders have lost their ability to read social cues, or understand the subtlety of sarcasm and irony. And young children have similar difficulties because their brains have not fully developed those centers yet.  Both populations take things literally and concretely. The more we understand  overall brain development, the better we can create treatment modalities for different populations that are experiencing cognitive impairments.

The latest study on childhood obesity

I am not a statistician, nor am a I researcher. I believe in health research.However, I get concerned by methodology, sample sizes, and data collection and analysis. I wonder how useful some research is in determining appropriate treatment strategies. Researchers  want to find answers and they also need to fund programs. Research results help  get funding for future research and hopefully fund subsequent  treatment programs spearheaded by  other researchers or other health care practitioners . However, any given result can also prevent further programs or research, if  funding sources want  to declare "an issue resolved."

Much has been written over the years about the increase of childhood obesity in this country.   The NY Times just ran this article titled,  " After Steady Climb, Childhood Obesity Rates Stall."   They cited a  study that was recently published in The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) that found that, "The prevalence of high BMI for age among children and adolescents showed no significant changes between 2003-2004 and 2005-2006 and no significant trends between 1999 and 2006."

BMI stands for Body Mass Index and is determined by taking a child's weight and dividing it by their height. This might be good news that our nation's children are not becoming more obese,  except that they also state that "Because no statistically significant differences in the prevalence of high BMI for age were found between estimates for 2003-2004 and 2005-2006, data for the 4 years were combined to provide more stable estimates for the most recent time period." 

I wonder if this really complicates the findings or clarifies it. For those of us not skilled in statistical analysis,  it makes it difficult to question if the study has flaws. As recently as October and December of 2007, JAMA also published articles titled: "Childhood Obesity as a Chronic Disease," " The Childhood Obesity Epidemic," and "Researchers Address Childhood Obesity Through Community Based Programs."

The reason this could be problematic is that childhood obesity has long term health consequences that we don't yet fully understand.  It is also not clear if any of the attempts to better treat and prevent this health condition has indeed been successful, or if  this latest study is just reflecting the limits of the research methodology.
 

The power of "and" - a great little communication tool

My client's often complain about their children, business associates, partners or whomever they are having issues with at the time; as uncooperative. There may be any number of challenges in those relationships.  However, I find it useful to start by exploring their communication style.

It is surprising how often people  use the word "but" in their interactions.  " I like that you cleaned your room,but next time..., " " Yes, you bought me flowers, but I always(always- another communication stopper) have to..." " It was a good presentation but you needed to..." They wanted cooperation and that little "B word"  tended to create just the opposite.

Webster's defines the word "but" as meaning, "except, or on the contrary." People hear that word and typically feel defensive. They don't hear the information before or after. They focus on the "but" and know that means their in trouble.

When we hear the word "and", we are indicating that we want a different exchange.The word "and" implies that we want connection.

Next time you are in conflict you might try approaching it from a more cooperative stance.  Using the word "and" allows you to acknowledge the other person's contribution before adding a corrective to the conversation.



 

Inner-critic/ Inner-boss

Much of my work is guiding people to explore their inner negative critic. Your critic voice either whispers ,or in some cases, screams bad thoughts  in your head.  I liken it to a two year old toddler having a meltdown in your mind  without the benefit of adult supervision. For many people it is a constant companion and left unchallenged, can and does cause much suffering.

The critic's voice becomes as rote as brushing your teeth.  It is ever so willing to remind you of your imperfections. This voice can be present when you are trying to communicate or complete a task. It is equally comfortable at home, work, or school. 

Skellie in Anywired did this great post about how our inner voice can become a style of boss that we carry with us into our workplace. If we want to understand how our habits function in our lives, it is important to see how they both help and hurt us. I think Skellie did a great job of explaining how to work with the inner-boss's strengths and challenges.

What you should know about "guilt," "shame," and "should"

I'm giving a talk to a mother's group this Thursday night. So to prepare for it , I was thinking about what common themes come up for my "mom" clients.  No matter what the initial presenting issue,  some hybrid of "guilt," "shame,"  and "should"  comes up.  Often we need to focus on that before anything else can be resolved.

When I Googled each word I came up with:

• Guilt- 27,200,000 entries
• Shame- 78,7000,000 entries
• Should- 1,630,000 entries

I am sure they are adding more entries as I post this. Clearly this is a struggle for many, and left unexamined , can lead to emotional pain and paralysis. 

Although guilt, shame, and should are each powerful in and of themselves,  I find that the preferred  order of negative self talk starts with a "should." "I should be more patient with my child." " I should go back to work."  " I should stay home." " I should feed my child only...."  " I should be able to ...." 

Then whatever decision was formed around the should becomes anxiety producing and  leads the person to feel guilt. Arguing with the guilty feelings that arise from operating under, what feminist psychoanalyst Karen Horney, called the  'tyranny of the should,"  can lead a person to experience shame.

Of course it doesn't always get played out in that order. However, examining how these three little words influence your decision making, might be the first step in breaking free of their power.

Looking for Mr./Ms. Right

This is an interesting article from the NY Times about specialized on-line dating services. According to this article by J. Courtney Sullivan, "... there are now 1,378 United States dating sites... 44% of those sites are niche sites." 

It makes sense that people want to date people with common interests, or want to be with someone from similar ethnic, or religious backgrounds.  As much as people state that they are  open to differences, it is understandably more comfortable to bond around their similarities. In the uncertain world of dating, starting with the something in common provides something safe to talk about.

"Opposites attract" can be  nice in theory, but  knowing that you share farming, or a love of Ayn Rand writings can make dating less scary.

Bullying

We know that kids get into scuffles. Young children have poor impulse control, have difficulty managing their emotions, and don't know how to problem solve. They are reactive and need guidance and life experience in order to learn to control themselves. This can be most  evident in children ages two to five. There is danger in minimizing this behavior when children get older.

Although there is much written these days about bullying and teasing,  adults minimize the increase in violent behavior in children, because its scary and almost every adult has some experience of being in an altercation as a child.  The "I survived..." rationale surfaces rather than examining our own fears, reactions, and the behavior we model for children.

It is common to hear parents give an example from their own childhood that starts with, " Kids use to bother me until I fought back..."   Or, "Boys get into fights..."  This recent article about a first grader who ended up with fractured skull from another student illustrates how serious this problem can become.

The Human Condition?

There is no shortage of reality TV shows out there for our viewing pleasure. Most shows involve a competition, an unusual living arrangement, or feature a  70’s celebrity trying to revive his or her career; to name just a few plot lines.  You've probably heard about these programs and may have even watched a couple of them.

Although the writers strike was blamed for the increase in "reality programming,"  this genre was well on its way to filling the airwaves. Audiences love to watch them. It satisfies any voyeuristic or vicarious thrills for the viewer, and probably at the most primal level; it satisfies a need to feel  superior. In a world that is unpredictable and often uncontrollable, this can be comforting. A viewer can think, " At least I am not like.... I would never do what they did."

Ohio State University psychologist Steven Reiss designed a reality viewing study using sensitivity theory which organizes human motives into 16 basic desires with uses and gratification theory to explain our enjoyment of reality shows.

His use of sensitivity theory states that every time a desire is realized we experience a related joy. Every individual prioritizes these desires into our own unique “Desire Profiles” and gratification theory suggests that we select our programs to fulfill those desires.

Reiss's data showed that the largest significant motive for watching reality television was social status, which leads to the joy of self-importance. Only slightly less strong was the need for vengeance, which leads to vindication. "Some people may watch reality TV partially because they enjoy feeling superior to the people being portrayed," Reiss said. "People with a strong need for vengeance have the potential to enjoy watching people being humiliated." (www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/getArticle.cfm?id=1742)

MTV’s Parental Control,  could easily satisfy both "superiority and vengeance."  Here is part of their program description.

"Watch out, kids! Thanks to Parental Control, mom and dad finally have a chance to do something about that "poor excuse" for a significant other that you adore! …

On each episode of Parental Control, one set of parents sends their pride and joy on two handpicked blind dates. Their hope? That one of the dates will catch their offspring's eye, thus leading them to dump their current companion. The twist? Mom and dad will be watching every minute of each date while sitting side by side with their child's current partner. Yup, they'll all be on the couch like one big, uncomfortable family..."

I don't think "superior" is the word I would use to describe how I felt  after viewing this show; terrified is more like it.  The parents are exploiting their relationship with their child for entertainment purposes, and I would assume also for financial gain.   In order to make "good television," parents, their child , and their child's partner, were shown yelling, insulting, and (at times,) throwing things at one another.

Yes, it's a show and no one is forced to watch it. It is even possible that the "teens" are really of legal age and signed up for the show themselves. It may even be partially scripted. Regardless, of whether or not it is "real," it gives the appearance  of encouraging parents to profit from creating poor boundaries and drama within their families. This is one reality competition program where no one wins.

Breast Cancer Detection

The thought of a breast cancer diagnosis can be very frightening and can cause some women to avoid early detection screening.   I found this article to be helpful about the switch over from film to digital mammography tests.

Digital imaging  is the latest in mammography technology and radiologists believe it may help them to better determine the evidence of tumors in women with denser breast  tissue. However, with new technology  comes a new learning curve for radiologists. 

In order to feel confident reading and diagnosing from  digital film, radiologists need to log more patient hours using this medium. For the patient, this means that a radiologist may ask for additional or repeat tests.

Although this is anxiety provoking for the patient, I am glad that this has become public information.Technology changes and  I would rather have my radiologist say, "This is a new screening device that I am getting more familiar with and rather than misdiagnose, I would like to have a comparison test done."  I am more concerned when doctors become too comfortable and complacent.

Humility and experience is a good combination.

So much to do, so little time

I am working on several projects at the moment. I find that life balance can be somewhat of a challenge when you have deadlines and are in business development mode. But, I have to say I am in awe of the internet ,blogging ,and social communities.

I was going to write today's post and noticed a comment on my past post  about "repetition compulsion", from someone writing on the same topic. I went to his site read the article, read the comments, made my own comment...well you know the rest.

Although I allowed myself to be sidetracked, it is a wonderful reminder of how knowledge really is power. Through this internet building of social communities, we have more tools to deal with our messy lives and more people to share it with.